My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
