your parents love me but you hate me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I AM VODKA MAN
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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