Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize