also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
