Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
