You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
