My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
