on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
They have beer where we have blood.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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