So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
