took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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