hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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