she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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