goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
