My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
