took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
