i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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