i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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