Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I understand Curling. That high.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
