Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
