just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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