Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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