i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize