I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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