you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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