Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We left an ass print on the piano.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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