yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
