In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
