Where is the hickey?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
