If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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