I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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