I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you will always have a special place in my vag
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
