yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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