the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
