I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize