Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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