I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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