the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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