Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
