I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
