I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
