the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
