I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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