my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
