he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
