you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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