It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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