got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
