At least make sure they are 18
Why
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
