I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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