I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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