I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
