Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
