My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Randomize
