I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
