The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
