She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
